Why You Won’t See Any Freakin’ Holiday Cookies From Me This Year

Bah humbug?

No, quite the opposite. I’m really trying to feel the holiday spirit this year. Puttin’ my best slipper forward. That tingling sensation running up my spine is either the Ghost of Christmas Past showing me the way or a hairy-legged spider. Either way, I’m scared.

If you like stalking me on the internet (I know you do…it’s cool, it’s cool), you might like this detailed account of my goings-on the last few weeks. If you’re not into stalking me on the internet, WHY? Don’t you like me?

Here are my top 5 reasons for not making holiday cookies this year:

Numero Uno

I just can’t even.

Nope can’t. Can you? Can you even? Because the craziness that is going on up in heyaah is just too much. Cars in the shop 3x this month. Door painting (don’t get me started). Limping. Wrapping presents for 5 nights straight and still not done. Star Wars premeditation and anticipation. 3+ days of analyzing Star Wars story-line. Cat drool. I could go on.

Numerical Dos

I knew you’d get me started.

I’ve discovered a new tradition. Holiday-time door painting! It’s really fun.

Find a leaky exterior door. DON’T replace it during the summer when it’s convenient. Wait until winter and let your adventurous side shine.

Don’t pay the extra $60 for the factory to paint the door jamb and trim (you’re cheap). Next, schedule the door installer to come immediately after Christmas day (you’re a smart one!). Then, work your holiday magic and schedule the door to be delivered in plenty of time, but procrastinate on painting it until 4 days before Christmas, 3 if you’re really feeling festive.

THEN!!! (this is getting good) spend $30 on paint supplies and smack yourself in the forehead when you realize it would have only been another $30 to have the professionals paint it.

No one said there’d be math.

Before long, you’ll be hobbling along your rock hard basement floor in your knee pads, whistling dixie while you curse at yourself paint. It’s really a jolly good time! Put on some holiday tunes, yell out a few explicatives just for fun, and cry when everyone else posts pictures on Facebook of their families making holiday cookies with twinkling lights in the background. Facebook, I will quit you. Thank your lucky stars that you’re so brilliant (less cookies, better fitting jeans).

Finally, drown your sorrows at work the next day by eating mounds of cookies that other coworkers brought in. Get fat.

Repeat for 3 days because you paint 3 coats. Try to moisturize the cracks in your face that have developed from smiling so much during this glorious, glorious season.

I know, I totally sound grinchsteriffic but truly…yes absolutely… I’m LOVING these door frenzy festivities. Maybe I should paint the door red and green?

Numberrrr Tres (#s sound better in Spanish, don’t they?)

The bum foot. I’m too young to have a bum anything, but I was limping around for 5 days straight. Turns out, it’s some contagious thingamabob called sesamoiditis. Yeahhh, it’s totally catchy. You catch it by painting too many #[email protected]!&% doors. You’ve been warned.

If you catch the itis, don’t worry, you’re just in a lot of pain and shuffle around like Tim Conway, repeatedly saying “Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.” with every step. It’s really fun for your husband, too, because he has to fetch your temporary tooth that you left upstairs, because if you have to pull yourself up the stairs by grasping onto the railing for dear life one more time, you may throw yourself slowly hobble in front of a train.

Integer Cuatro

I have high expectations. What snob wouldn’t? Below, are some of the cookies I’ve saved on my Pinterest page that I want to make. Do these look like the kind of cookies for a frazzled, limping, paint-in-the-hair, wrapping paper stuck to her butt kind of gal?

I didn’t think so.

Digit Cinco

I’m still eating A LOT of cookies.

See, that’s the beauty of this Crazy Christmas Plan, is that I eat other people’s cookies. I don’t have to pull out the KitchenAid mixer. My kitchen is clean.← Liar

Why make cookies when I can eat yours?

I love to hear from you! Have you made any holiday cookies this year? Please feel free to tell me all about ’em or link to them in the comment section. Or are you running ragged like me and your face is cracking from smiling too much?