Failed Recipes and Foodie Fumbles

I’ve been blogging for a little over a year now. My blogiversary came and went and I did not receive a surprise party thrown in my honor from The Food Network. They probably just got busy.

I’m supposed to be this big ol’ food snob, up here in the clouds (looking cute in a Vera Wang apron), making magical meals in my tiara like a Foodie Princess. But no. I’m in my circa 1986 kitchen, wearing mismatched sweats and cooking up dinner disasters. Sure, they’re not all disasters but some of them are really comical. Yes – wasting money and spending endless time on a meal and having zip for a finished product is a real hoot (if I don’t laugh, I’ll cry).

There is also added pressure when making recipes for a food blog, rather than just dinner for a family who would be just as happy with chicken fingers, as long as you hurry up.

Calling myself The Kitchen Snob has it’s down side, too. If it just tastes so-so, it doesn’t make it on the blog. Barely edible but amazing pictures? Nope – doesn’t make the cut. Absolutely delicious but not one good picture to prove it? Try again. And when I’ve got blog posting deadlines to meet, I get kind of stressed out.

Once in awhile, I want to fall down and lay on my kitchen floor and cry like Amy Adams in the movie Julie & Julia. It’s pathetic, I know. I haven’t cried over food yet, but I sure want to when I’ve spent hours upon hours on one recipe. You know how sometimes when you’re tired, cooking is a big pain in the you-know-what? You just want it to turn out. Please God, let it turn out. You feel me?

Here they are in no particular order, except for this first one which is my all time favorite failure.

Spicy Pumpkin Bread

This beautiful pumpkin bread is kind of a laughing matter around here. I can’t remember how many times I made it. 3? 4? Who’s counting. The first time, I thought it was good, but The Hungry Husband convinced me it needed more “robust pumpkin flavor” whatever that is. Maybe he was right. I am a snob, after all. So I made it again. It was [choke] way too spicy. The third time it was a rock. Very dense and very dull. To the trash it went. This poor pumpkin bread was like the porridge in Goldilocks & The Three Bears. Only not as tasty.

But doesn’t it look scrumptious? I was all proud to show off my new antique fall-colored cake plate. It never got its 15 minutes of fame. So sad. Well, I finally hit a winner with my Banana Pumpkin Bread with Cinnamon Swirl. Fourth time is a charm. I’ll take it.

Cherry Cinnamon Chocolate Cookies

It sounded like a good idea. And you know, they weren’t that bad. But being The Kitchen Snob and the fact that my blog was pretty new at the time, I felt I had to deliver greatness. They didn’t make the cut. (and yes I still ate them ALL)

…and Whatever In the World These Pink Cookies Are

Don’t ask. Don’t tell. I know they had maraschino cherries in them. I experimented with chocolate kisses and white chocolate chips. Both were pretty blehhh. The consistency of the dough was crumbly and really bland tasting. Can we pretend these didn’t happen?

Marinated Flank Steak with Garlic & Lime

Okay this one hurts a little because this is one of my favorite meals that I make all the time. But the day I made it, the flank steak was overcooked and tough. It looked kind of grayish and unappetizing. Sniffle. Beef ain’t cheap. But underneath that leathery, unchewable meat is my Cilantro Lime Rice Infused With Garlic and it’s a popular side dish in this house. This rice definitely made it on the blog. Try it, you won’t regret it.

Fried Zucchini Parmesan Crisps

♪ Burn baby burn ♫ disco inferno! Woooo! Oh sorry. John Travolta flows through my blood. Okay these zucchini guys took a few tries to get them right. But once I mastered them they were delicious. You can find the unburned good and tasty version here.

Best Mashed Potatoes In The World

Uhhhhh noope. Not the best. Not even mediocre. I usually pride myself on my mashed potatoes but this recipe was a total fail. I used red potatoes (which I had tried before) but they turned out really gummy and well…just plain weird. And I have no idea what I was doing with those green onions sticking out. I was trying to be all artsy fartsy.

I later redeemed myself by making these incredible Mashed Potatoes with Caramelized Shallots.

Spicy Wanna-Be-Crispy Hash Browns

No there is nothing wrong with your monitor. Those shredded potatoes on the upper right there are pink. I was feeling extra snobby this week so I wanted to make them from real potatoes. Real, dude. This was my first time making them from scratch and I didn’t know you needed to be speedy mcspeederson and get them in the pan in 5 seconds or they turn pink. I need my hash browns crispy with no mush and these did not deliver. I was on a time crunch to “get it done”, stressing about it all working out deliciously and, well, it didn’t. May I introduce you to: the food blogger temper tantrum? [For reference see Julie & Julia movie or any other movie where someone freaks out over something absurd]

The flavor was good. I just couldn’t stomach serving these unappetizing looking soggy things to you on a platter. This Snob has standards, don’t ya know.

I’m certain there are more failed recipes than this but I don’t have any photographic documentation of these mystery fiascoes. And that’s probably a good thing.

Have you ever had some big food fails? Please do share! (it’ll make me feel better)